For the past week I’ve simply disappeared from cyberspace. All of my usual haunts, such as my blogs and favourite message boards, have been noticeably abandoned. Even my e-mail correspondence has been drastically diminished. Why? I’ve been experiencing a small depressive episode.
In all honesty, these periods of isolation have been part of my life for so long that I consider them completely normal. I can’t imagine living a life of normalcy without the depression that so regularly punctuates my existence. Having days, weeks and even months crippled by depression and spent in isolation (or as close to complete isolation as I can manage with a husband and child) is quite simply part of the ebb and flow of my days. Some times I wonder how much more I could accomplish with my life if I didn’t experience these down times, but daydreams don’t get me anywhere.
I must admit that I am jealous of “normal” people that don’t seem to experience episodes of depression and isolation. I’m sure they don’t know how lucky they are to actually accomplish their dreams and goals without the constant disruption of depression. To start a project and be able to finish it without massive breaks in between is something I dream of experiencing. To actually live life each and every day without needing to take a break and hide away is simply amazing – it’s something I’d give anything to have.
Playing catch up is just another part of the cycle that I hate. Suddenly my inbox is jammed packed with hundreds of unanswered messages and my voice mailbox is full. Last night around 10 I finally came out of isolation and started going through my inbox. Almost an hour later I had answered most of my messages and apologized for being “so busy lately” that I couldn’t respond sooner. I even popped by a few message boards to see what was going on. I still have a couple of phone calls to return, but all in all, I’ve almost returned to the land of the living. It’s nice to be back.
I at least have to have five hours to myself eachday, even if that means staying up late. If i could isolate my self i would. I feel like you, I am jealous of people who can go through a day all happy and not experience any depressed moods. I like you don't know what thats like.
ReplyDeleteHey Jamie, I have just read your blog, and you could have been writing about me.
ReplyDeleteI also have had depression since 11 or 12 and I cant remember life without it either.
Im not sure if I have a personality outside of what the depression dictates.
I have always been alone, only child of BPD parent, went to 17 schools before the age of 11 cos my parents couldnt settle.
Never learnt to make friends, and cant handle intimate relationships.
Thought I was a freak and alone.
I tried to blog about it, but somehow it feels like Im whinging, altho reading other peoples blogs is fine.
Reading yours made me feel a bit better, made me feel less 'unique' in my isolation.
Thankyou for being honest and writing about it, you are helping people you may never meet :-)
x
I too have experienced depression episodes for years and years. My best friend calls it my "M.I.A." episodes. I basically do not check email or answer my door or any phone calls. I just want to shut everything and everyone out so I can pretend all of the things that stress me out are not really there. I usually just sleep, eat, and watch t.v. No wonder I'm overweight. One more thing to make me depressed!
ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you, thank you. You have described me as if you know me personally. I am in a funk right now. I call it "Hibernating." I haven't been out for pleasure in over a month. I know it will lift soon and for a while I will be okay but for now, well.....you know.
ReplyDeleteJamie,
ReplyDeleteI echo what most here are feeling and saying -- you're speaking our story. Since losing my job due to layoffs in 2005, I seem to have lost myself. I am still amazed that many of us define ourselves so fundamentally with our careers, and equally amazed that I did not realize this about myself until it was too late. At least I know it know... no failures, just learning experiences -- right?
It has just been over a year, however, that my lifelong battle with depression turned into a seesaw hell of mind-numbing isolation whipsawed with somewhat normal functioning. This back-and-forth behavior commenced after being diagnosed with a type of sudden onset arthritis possibly associated with another chronic disease. Within days, I found myself unable to walk without a crutch, albeit painfully, then less painfully with a 'boot' on one ankle and a brace on the other.
I dropped twenty pounds in a month which was very disconcerting and became deathly pale. I would have 'good' weeks when I was communicative and would still attend social events using a cane, but increasingly I fell further into the abyss of isolation, despair, and inability to will myself to 'snap out of it'. The bad weeks soon became ten days to two weeks while the good weeks dwindled. I rarely miss Christmas with my parents. Last year I did not even call or return calls around the holiday or share my mother's birthday with her.
Thankfully, the arthritis is now largely gone; however the depression is not. My psychiatrist adjusted my depression diagnosis a few months ago to include "bipolar II" and began treating me with mood-stabilizing medication. This route is showing great promise, but I'm certainly not out of the woods yet.
Thank you again for verbalizing what so many in this world are feeling and struggling with. Perhaps if keep sharing our stories we can help change the perception of those not aware of mental health disorders for the positive and also encourage others who are struggling to seek the help they need.
All the best! JDK -
Thank you all for sharing! I like the term hibernating, sometimes I wish I could just hibernate and sleep for a season!
ReplyDeleteJDK, it sounds like you're going through a very rough time right now. Although times are tough, keep hanging on until the sun comes out again. I know it sounds cheesey, but after struggling like you are, things will turn around. Unfortunately it doesn't always happen quicky. Take care and know that you're not alone!
Jamie
I donno but i share similar story. i have been in the US for 2 years now but even today i end up having negativity isolation and depression i have spent days crying cribbing fighting with hubby but evn then I am unable to come over it.... even today i have feel the same but just face it calmly........ but it dost solve the core problem of being by myself .... making frnds.... studying and finding avenues for myself with a h4 visa........... with knowung the fact tht i dont want to study and just want to lead a simple house wife life..........
ReplyDeleteI'm don't have much to add that others haven't already said well. But, let me add my thanks. It helps to read about the feelings of jealousy you describe. Sometimes I think these feelings are the most poisonous part of depression (speaking for myself). They add to the isolation and distance from friends. They undermine your sense of yourself as a decent person. They seem to add force to the depressive cycle. But, it's an immense help to hear about others' struggles with these feelings. Sometimes, despite knowing better, you can feel like you're the only "crazy" one in a sea of normalcy.
ReplyDeleteI have been fighting depression for twenty years.
ReplyDeleteIt has taken a severe toll on my life for I have alienated people and have few friends. The isolation is driving me crazy. My son is getting married and I am anxious for my ex is inviting many people and I have so few. I feel as though I am walking in knee deep mud. I am so tired of these mood swings, it is difficult to go on. Even when the depression lifts I am weary for I know it will return. This is getting so old. This is no way to live.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I am in a relationship with someone who has bouts of depression and I find it heartbreaking when he goes into isolation. I don't know how to help him and I find it very hard to cope myself when he withdraws from me. I don't want to bombard him and I want to give him space but I don't know what to do. What happens during these periods of isolation? Any advice would help!
ReplyDeleteI feel like everyone has abandoned me. Many times I have
ReplyDeletereached out by mail, email calls but no one ever responds so
from that I rightly assume there is something so wrong with me that
even when I try my best i dont meet with anyones accepted norm.
so now i relieve them of my undesired presence.
I completely understand how you feel...I am on the same page with you.
DeleteMe too. Am surprised to see so many others feel the same way... I've come to the conclusion that I obviously have nothing to offer. Never learned how to fake "normal". And I quit trying.
DeleteJanetWeiss83 - I can't imagine what it must be like watching a loved one suffer. Maybe when your husband is having a good day you could talk about his periods of isolation and what you could do to help.
ReplyDeleteI've instructed my husband to push me to do something active when I get like this. I've told him that no matter how much I get mad at him for pushing, to just continue pushing as it's the best thing for me. A little bit of exercise can do wonders for me.
I've also instructed him that sometimes I just need my quiet. I just need to be along to get my bearings and try to cope with life. So he tried to push me to get out and if I push back too much, he gives me some alone time.
It's not easy, but depression isn't an easy illness.
Anonymous - I was so sad when I read your post!!! There is nothing wrong with you, there is just something wrong with those people that don't reach back out to you. I suggest you widen your circle of friends and find some people that can get outside of themselves enough to connect with you in times of need.
Though out my life I have had to let some friends go - if they can't support me, I'll find someone else that is healthier for me.
I have suffered from depression for most of my life and I believe it is preventing me from moving forward with my life, I can't get motivated and therefore I get even more into a deep depression and it gets so bad I just wonder what is the point of it all and could really care less If I die and even would welcome it to keep from feeling this despair.
ReplyDeleteIt is like a trap for me because I feel like if I change some things in my life then maybe I would feel better but this deep depression is making it where I cant even get out of bed, so how am I going to get anywhere in life,when I cant even get out of bed, it makes me feel so useless and pathetic and I wish it would just end
Hello, I know this is an old article, but nonetheless I'll add my comment just so others can benefit.
ReplyDelete"I am jealous of “normal” people that don’t seem to experience episodes of depression and isolation"
I sympathize with you and I am glad you're able to find yourself again. But I believe everybody have their demons to fight whether suffering from clinical depression or not.
Take for example me, I don't have clinical depression, but I have my days of isolation too, in fact I am fighting to stay focus these days. I just want to hide behind movies and games. I used to be very organized and writing articles for my sites didn't used to seem like a task, but recently I have been fighting myself to remember why I have to write an article or switch on my laptop at all.
I can't explain why exactly, but I think it's my body's way of telling me I am unhappy or something like that.
So in the area of isolation and depression I don't think there's anyone who is completely normal. Even if some of us don't have major depression, we sometimes suffer from temporary depression, loneliness and stress.
I know I am able to pick myself up again applying some of the coping skills I share on my blog at http://www.copingwithdepressioncenter.com
As long as we live, life will happen to us and that means taking the good along with the bad. The important thing is that we don't let the situation we find ourselves define us, and each time we find ourselves lacking behind, we fight hard to find ourselves again.
Dear Friend,
ReplyDeleteThank you for having this blog, I'm sure there are others coming forward--but for anyone who has the courage, or ability to talk and speak about depression--it helps all of us who deal with depression. I fought to keep my secret, until I was outed at work by my own personnel department, within a "law firm." That's right, one of the biggest in NYC. That battle (they won the war, for certain), destroyed a piece of my soul, I am not that person I was before. Because I dared to get my own attorney, who was aghast at all the evidence and e-mails I had pleading with my job. When they exposed me, suddenly the quiet co-worker named Ariel, who no one had a problem with ever, suddenly I was deemed crazy, someone who was going to come in and hurt others. When in reality, I was at home calling in sick trying to hurt myself. I had to resign, and no one there was ever punished. I lost years, I felt like the whole world was evil, I isolated myself, I feared crowds even more than before and any so-called friends I dropped ('cause in my head they'd drop me anyway). I'm sorry I don't leave a post for comments on my blog, but I just wanted to say HELLO, how are you, and I'm somehow thrilled that you are there, on here, speaking about the pain. It has bent my knees at times, I have cried out, screamed out for that peace of mind that I still seek. I also have a job at a firm (another law!) that petrifies me, it is so hard there for me to hold myself together. Everyday I want to quit. Everyday, I'm brought back work I've done wrong. Everyday, I ask God, why? I hope I haven't ended this post on a downer...because I'm happy for YOU. I hope all is well and that it stays well for you. You are brave.
I'm so happy to have found your site. I actually have tears in my eyes reading this post. Not only am I jealous of those people, I resent them for judging me. I love your blog description, and your about page. I too, have had people tell me I shouldn't reveal my illness, that it will hurt me, etc. But all that does is reinforce the idea that I am somehow less than. I too, no longer wish to hide.
ReplyDeleteVisit my blog if you get a chance,
http://feliciamaystevenson.blogspot.com/
I Have been battling depression ever since i was a young girl like 7 or 9 and it really hit me hard in my teen years... especially High School...were you try your hardest to feel needed and wanted and excepted by many...Now i graduated High school and im 20 and still battling with deep depression...about myself i dont..Like people judging me and i care to much what people think or might think of me that's one of my main reasons i have depression...now the stress is adding up causing me to lose sleep at night and now i even have t take sleep medication..and i lost alot of weight cuz i have no appitete lately...I've been feeling like this for a very long time to the point were i dont even wanna be around no one not even family cuz i feel like they font know how i feel untill they actually feel what I'm feeling....and i even contiplated suicide on a daily basis..I just needed someone to talk to
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear what a rough time you've been having. That really sucks. If you need to talk to someone, you can always email me at jamieleggatt(at)hotmail.com There are also lots of great people on the fightdepression facebook page that are good to "talk" to.
ReplyDeleteWow…I stumbled upon this site and found a bunch of people I can relate to. Thanks for all of your sharing. I think I’ve been the one hiding all these years. Perhaps this is the therapy I’ve really needed.
ReplyDeleteMark
Hi there,
ReplyDeleteeveryone..i think you are my true friends...i think i was born depressed... little interest in social life and social activities..i rarely liked to go out with more that 1 friend to relate to him/her.. i have some friends but in separte "groups"..i never integreted in the large picture if you know what i mean.. the only think that makes me feel almost normal is Tramadol... I think my endorphines are low..but just quessing.. anyway i envy people who don't know what is 2nd guessing and questioning him/herself.. Loliness has always been a part of me..i manage it alone.. sometimes even with my girlfriend i can't relate to her..she doesn't understand when i tell her sometimes that i don't see the point the reson to be happy or even to live (never attepted suicide but thought about it how it would be like, what i'd lose).. and even if i'm depressed and at my low ends there are a lot of things in my life that others envy me for me having.. and that is the only thing that's motivating me.. i'm a dentist..i have enough money to live a decent life (but not a happy one)..and i preffer to live miserably to not living at all.. :)..thanks for sharing and goood luck to all of you!! Regards..and a Happy New Year!!
I can relate to much of what you write, especially about envying the "normalcy" of others. I've been there, seen this, done that. Like you, it has led me to start a blog, a journal really, about one year in my life before it all fell apart.
ReplyDeleteoldloveaffair.blogspot.com
I can relate to so much of what everyone has said. I have been depressed for years, on medication that "brings me out of it" for awhile, but I often wonder if it masks things in my life. I wonder if it distorts what I see. I was married for 13 years to a man who is very different from me. On the emotional spectrum we couldn't be more opposite.....he's almost void of emotion. We divorced because he wasn't happy and hadn't been for a long time. Basically he couldn't handle my depression. Now I'm still on medication but I isolate myself and it isn't good for my depression at all. Like others have mentioned, I don't have many friends because I don't answer calls or emails etc. When I finally do return the calls people act irritated and explaining to everyone why I do this is excrutiating. I've been judged so many times and told to get over it...blah blah blah. I've really stopped explaining. I'm stuck and I don't know what to do with myself.
ReplyDeleteThis is me too. Everything everyone has said in these posts mimics me. I have suffered from depression most of my life. My life seems like an emotional roller coaster. I reached for help about five years ago and started taking medication. The medicine really helped. I felt more engaged and began exploring new interests. I found someone who I felt I could grow with and life never seemed better. I decided to pursue my Master's degree and after finding who I thought was the love of my life, I relocated from NY to FL. Three years later the relationship came to an end and roughly three months thereafter I lost my job. Since losing my job I postured myself in the fetal position and isolated myself from everyone who cares. I haven't picked up the phone, I haven't read my email, and I haven't attempted to reach out or seek help. I feel overwhelmed by constant sadness, loneliness, helplessness, self-loathing, and defeat. I have experienced feelings like this before but never this intense. I think this is the worst episode yet. I have lost my forward momentum and I simply feel lost.
DeleteI am so grateful to have this thread because it tells me that I am not alone.
I know how you feel, you sound just like me. I am glad I found your blog, I would love it if you could follow mine too. http://lifeisapathwayoflessons.blogspot.co.nz/
ReplyDeleteP.S I think you are a very strong person <3
Depression is very new to me and I have never suffered from it, but my 25 year old son has recently revealed to me that he has depression and is now at home living with me, where I am trying desperately to give him the support he needs.
ReplyDeleteI am so worried about his isolation, if he isn't at work he is in bed in his room and there isn't anything that I can do to get him out. Should I try to push him? I'm at such a loss as to what, if anything, I can do to help him through this.
Prior to this year he was always an intelligent and social young man, the personality change has been frightening. Has anyone got any advise for me to help him to get through this?
Hi,
DeleteI think that spending time with your son will be most helpful in defeating depression, and I can understand you are very worried and desperate to help your son, however it is best to be paitent and allow your son to slowly open up to you, I'm sure he will gradually open up to you as long as he knows you are there for him and that you are on his side (I believe that soon he will see your love and dedication towards him). Spending time with him is important because, having contact with him and just talking to him will help you understand him better and can form a strong bond between you, this is the fastest way to help him fight depression.
Yours Sincerely,
Joey
Visit NAMI.org and find a support group near you. They are awesome & have groups for us consumers of mental health services and also for family members who want to support an affected family member.
ReplyDeleteThis is really heartbreaking
ReplyDeleteI am crying as I read this thread, this is exactly how I feel and I thought I was alone. I used to be happy, outgoing and social. After years of things chipping away at me I have finally crumbled... It is as if I have lost who I am and I can't see a future. I isolate myself from everyone. When around others I pretend to be fine and chatty but I feel so ashamed of how I feel inside.I can't trust anyone anymore, like everyone hates me. I almost feel jealous of my old friends who are happy and care-free. They try to help, but how could they ? They have no idea of the pain I am in. I'm starting medication tomorrow to help with my depression,anxiety and social phobia. If it doesn't help I don't know what I'm gonna do. I am just staying alive for my children as they are the only good thing I have.
ReplyDelete