Today I am so severely depressed that I wish I were dead. Why, you ask? Well, that’s the kicker. I’m depressed not for any real situational reason, but because my brain decided not to produce an important chemical I need to feel happy. If it were situation, I feel as though it would be easier to understand (those with situational depression, please don’t take offence), because at least then I could say, look at this terrible event that happened to me, my life sucks, no wonder I want to die. But instead, I open my eyes this morning to such an overwhelming sense of sadness that my entire body aches.
Before you get concerned that I’m going to end my life, let me reassure you that I will never commit suicide. I have two beautiful young daughters that need a mother and I would never take that away from them. It’s because of those two little girls that I get out of bed and try to lead a normal life despite the crushing weight I feel with every breath.
The first clue something was amiss was this morning when I felt as though I physically couldn’t wake up. The husband got up and fed the kids while I slept in that deep, feeling-less sleep that I love so much. Unfortunately, I couldn’t sleep all day and at 9:30 a.m. I got my wake up call – my husband shaking me awake. Fun.
The moment I opened my eyes, I knew my day was screwed. The weight of depression was crushing down on me and my only option was to get out of bed and act like I was okay for my kids. After having my breakfast, I showered in the hopes that it would make me feel better. It didn’t. Then I decided to escape to the grocery store. Have you ever seen a woman pushing a cart around a grocery store fighting the tears in her eyes? That’s me. Trying not to cry while I shop.
I even tried to exercise the depression away with a two-hour mountain bike ride. But when it was over, the depression was still there and I was still struggling.
After a completely wasted day, I’m going to bed. I can only pray that tomorrow I’ll wake up feeling “normal”.
And here come the tears again. I don’t want to live this way. But what choice do I have?
I pray you will feel better tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteI had a similar experience just last week. I had been doing great -- for a couple of months, which is long for me -- and then BAM! It hit me out of nowhere. For no reason.
I wish I could say I tried all those great ways to deal with it that I've learned, like you did. But I didn't. I found myself falling back into old coping mechanisms.
The real darkness only lasted a couple of days. I'm on my way back. I hope yours is as short.
I wrote about it, if you're interested. http://thedifficultthings.blogspot.com/2010/07/darkness.html
Best wishes for a speedy recovery!
Hi Jamie
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear that today was not a good one for you. It is sometimes difficult to understand why some days are different from others. I really hope that tomorrow is different for you.
There is one question for you that I hope could shed some light on the biochemical cause of your depression. Just wondering when your period is due. It is known that females mood can change (and worsen) during different times during your menstrual cycle. If your depression occurs in a cyclical manner, being worse during 1-2 weeks of the month it can indicate hormonal imbalances (progesterone and estrogen deficiencies).
I don't know if this is the situation for you, but I just wanted to mention it just in case.
I'm a biochemist, medical researcher and natural practitioner and have done some recent research on the physical and biochemical causes of depression. Really hope this might help you or some of your other readers.
Sincerely
Janelle Sinclair, PhD
OH my gosh, I so understand. I wish I didn't, but I do. My thing was driving. I would drive and cry and wonder if people were wondering why I was crying while I was driving. It's a physical weight and sometimes a feeling like I am having a heart attack because my heart would hurt so badly.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you're on medication but I was on various meds for depression since 1995 and FINALLY in January 2009, I found a medication that actually lifted the depression and not just made it a little better - made it gone. I'll pray for you.
I'm right there with ya, sister... I've been fighting tears back for the past few days.. hate it! I hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteI too, unfortunately, can relate. Hope it's a short ride.
ReplyDeleteWell done Jamie for getting out of bed and going to the grocery store and a bike ride. Your girls are blessed to have a mother who tries so hard and will never give up.
ReplyDeleteI really can relate to you- I have a hard time trying to explain to my family why I don't want to get out of bed when I, "Can't possibly have anything to feel sad about" Go figure.
Get better soon :)
Pretending to be "normal" for our kids ~ I totally know what that feels like. Thing is sometimes the "pretending" can actually get one through the day. Hope tomorrow is better for you!
ReplyDeleteHugs xx You aren't alone.
ReplyDeleteI hate that feeling. Unfortunantely i get it often. I stumbled upon a book in the library called "undoing depression" lately ive been reading it and going omg i so understand, but it seems to give me hope that i can maybe,, just one day be normal.
ReplyDeleteI hope tomorrow you awake and feel really good. 1 day at a time is all we can do.
I'm crying reading this! I have two wonderful little boys. It is so tough. My two yr old asks mommy why does your face look like that when I am sad. The Cimbalta (sp?) ads make me cry. Was on medication and Yaz to control mood swings but it made me gain weight and I wanted to see how Id do without out it - not good. HATE this AND I drink too much because I am trying to escape.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous from above - I exercise too! I run three miles a day, and lift weights. Still Struggeling. Need to sleep but thanks Jamie - at least I know I am not the only one.
ReplyDeleteThank you everyone for your comments! I cried myself to sleep and then woke up the next morning feeling magically better.
ReplyDeleteThe last two days, I've played with my kids, gone on outings with the kids and husband to a lake and my parents pool (my husbands's on vacation for a few days) and went mountain biking with some girl friends.
It's so frustrating how depression can spring up from no where and feel so devestating and then disappear the next day.
Dr. Janelle Sinclair, I think you hit the nail on the head. I'm a few days out from that time of the month and perhaps it just hit me hard this month for some reason.
Thanks again everyone for your support - it made me feel better the next morning when I saw that you where all there for me and that I wasn't completely insane having these feelings out of nowhere.
I hope things have gotten better. I have those days a lot, especially the crying in public thing.
ReplyDeleteJust want to let you know that you are not alone in this situation. You have a number of readers who care about your well-being, and your family and children who obviously love you and want the best for you. I know that doesn't make the depression lessen, but hopefully tomorrow will be a less painful day. This too shall pass, as they say. Just remember that you have had these periods before and lived past them to get to a better spot, and so you will again. That is what I always tell myself during such periods.
ReplyDeleteI also want to second the idea that hormones can play a role in worsened depression that seems to come out of the clear blue sky. I used to always get suicidal when my period came.
Hey Jamie, I have started a not-for-profit art project called Draw that Beast.
ReplyDeleteI am asking people to submit original artwork (drawings, paintings, montages, photos) of how depression visually looks to them. I'm interested in going beyond the descriptive words and try to capture the intangible with imagery. Like glimpses into the human spirit, I guess.
Not sure if it would really help you since you're so good at articulating your depression. But feel free to get creative, if that helps.
http://drawthatbeast.blogspot.com/
Be well
Meagan K
I hope I help you with my research about depression. Depression can be familial, suggesting that a biological vulnerability to depression can be inherited. It usually begins between the ages of 15 and 30, and tends to be much more common in women. There are several forms of depression with major depressive disorder and dysthymic disorder being the most common.difficulty sleeping or oversleeping; irritability or restlessness; feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained; problems concentrating, remembering details and making decisions; persistent aches, pains or digestive problems that are not responding to treatment; social isolation; crying spells; and contemplating suicide or suicide attempt. Mangosteen has been shown to help in the battle against all forms of brain disorders, allowing the neurons to grow and neurotransmitters to function properly. It also prevents damage in brain cells, enabling the mind to think better and provides a sense of well-being. This is actually the anti-depressant property of mangosteen.
ReplyDeleteKind Regards,
Annie
Hi Jamie
ReplyDeleteI'm glad my question shed some light.
I just wanted to make sure that you were aware that natural hormones have been found to help treat depression. In certain scientific studies the remission rates are up to 68%.
I've recently written a couple of articles on the relationship between hormonal imbalances and depression (in both menstruating and menopausal women). If you're interested you can check them out here.
Janelle
http://ezinearticles.com/?Women-and-Depression---Learn-the-Shocking-Truth-About-the-Role-of-Hormones&id=4745103
http://www.squidoo.com/menopausal-women-and-depression
Found your blog and am grateful for it...it's the first time I've heard another woman express exactly what's going on in my own head. Take care and thanks so much for your honesty!!!
ReplyDeleteVery brave of you to come out and open up about your battles.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing a great job trying so hard with your girls.
Thank you for such an honest set of articles.
from the team at http://womeshealthtoday.net
It is both sad and wonderful to see my feelings shared by another. I am so glad to not be alone. I wish you well on your journey with this illness.
ReplyDeleteI have a simple suggestion for your problem. Bananas! Yes, they produce a lot of "happy hormones" that would eventually make you feel light and stress-free for the rest of the day. And they are 100% effective!
ReplyDeleteI can understand you are in very critical condition and but you have to fight for your daughters and for yourself too. I hope that your next day will be fine. I will suggest that you should consult with some doctor or some good counselor. God bless you.
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anxiety relief medication
You could be well writing about MY life in this blog! Wow. Amazing to find someone else writing about this stuff that goes on, and it's just kind of 'nice' to know we are not alone in all of this!
ReplyDeleteLovely woman,
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled across your blog.... It is making my Friday-night-in feel like it wasn't a complete loss. Thank you for sharing. If you ever want to hear mine please drop by blog on depression. Nothing fancy, just my thoughts and rants! :-)
Be well.
http://frominsidethebellyofthemonster.blogspot.com/
I feel this way right now. I can relate to you, and I am so sorry you have to live this way. I have struggled with depression for most of my life. Things started to get better, and now everything seems to be falling apart. I hope you are able to conquer your depression. I am a man, by the way. Married, no children.
ReplyDeleteThanks, everyone.
ReplyDeleteLooks like everyone knows that feeling of WEIGHT. Hard to get out of bed, do chores, a day's work in the office, fixing dinner.. Those without depression might like to try carrying a sack of poatoes on their back all day, and pulling a ball and chain on each ankle. Yup, I think that might be a fairly good description! :D
ReplyDeleteI've been fighting the same battle since adolescence. I don't remember feeling depressed as a child. God bless you!!!!
ReplyDeleteGosh I feel your pain - seems like I could have written this myself.
ReplyDeleteI know this is old but I feel you. Im taking paxil and wellbutrin. Im the other woman in the grocery store crying. God bless
ReplyDeleteThank you all for the support.
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't know how to begin this, im nineteen and today i felt exactly how you described so i decided to look up blogs of ppl talking about their depression to see if it would help. Recently i've been feeling like this alot more than normal and i also would never take that life but have that feeling consently hurts. I dont know how to handle it which in turn effects my bf who i live with. The hardest part is not knowing how to tell him how I feel or explain why, because i honestly don't know, If you could tell e how you and your husband, family, and your self deals with it i'd really appreciate it my email is k_mcclure10@yahoo.com Its honestly really nice to know im not alone...
DeleteI cry every night until I can barely breathe. Every commercial makes me cry. Every song makes me cry. I just want to go to sleep and not think anymore and not be sad. This is no way to live. Trying to keep myself together at work and do my job without crying -- my daily challenge. Usually I make it but suck at my job now. I wish it were just a few days. Months now.
ReplyDeleteWow, I have many mornings like that. But, your day was not a waste at all. You did what you needed to do for yours and your family's long-term health when you didn't want to. That's a huge accomplishment. I understand that feeling of "weight" that people have described. I have been feeling it quite often. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. I have been reading about mediation, mindfulness, and dialectic behavioral therapy. You may find that helpful. One book is called The Chemistry of Joy. Keep on fighting!
ReplyDeleteoh my goodness! thank you so much for posting this. I have been struggling for a long time with depression that comes with no reasoning behind it. I'm sitting here and wham there it is. I just want to stare at a wall or sleep all day. Its hard to explain this to people who don't deal with it. I'm on 20mg of Paxil and I still go through this. My husband and I are talking about getting pregnant next September and I just don't know if I will be able to cope without the Paxil or for that matter getting off of it. I have tried several times without any luck- withdrawl symptoms are terrible. its so hard because my life is so wonderful and the fact that I can't enjoy it seems to be so selfish to me. Please keep writing you are so helpful to someone that struggles day in and day out.
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