Sometimes those of us with depression are willing to accept a life that is just okay, instead of aiming for living a life that is something more. Just recently I was doing exactly that.
For the last several years I have been okay. I've been emotionally stable and steady, without any real highs or lows. You could say that I've been pretty numb emotionally, but sometimes when you suffer with depression that numbness can be a good thing.
Recently I decided that feeling numb, that feeling just okay, wasn't good enough, and I dared to hope for something more.
If you've been following my blog, you'll know that I believed I could experience more than an okay life with numbed emotions. I thought I could experience a life free from some of the side effects of Paxil, such as weight gain. So three weeks ago I went to my doctor and choose to switch up my antidepressants.
It started off okay. I had fairly extreme withdrawal symptoms, but mentally I felt good. I kept telling myself that soon the physical withdrawal symptoms would get better, and that I would start feeling better than I had in a while.
When my Paxil dose was low enough (5mg a day), I started Wellbutrin and experienced a whole new set of side effects. Then things got worse emotionally.
This past weekend I've been very emotional and even experienced some suicidal thought. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal, but I'm starting to go downhill. I can see it and it scares me. Nothing scares me more than the depths of depression.
Last night I cried myself to sleep. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin thanks to the side effects from the new medication. I wondered why feeling okay before wasn't good enough. I would certainly trade what I'm feeling right now to feel just okay.
But I decided that okay wasn't good enough. I let myself hope for something better, for something that may or may not exist.
Now, even though it's very difficult, I need to follow the path I have chosen. I need to get stabilized on this new medication and be willing to make changes if it doesn't work.
To be honest, this is hard work. Not that I've started, I honestly wish that I didn't dream for a better tomorrow. I now wish that okay had been good enough.
But if okay is all we can hope for, what is the point?