Sometimes those of us with depression are willing to accept a life that is just okay, instead of aiming for living a life that is something more. Just recently I was doing exactly that.
For the last several years I have been okay. I've been emotionally stable and steady, without any real highs or lows. You could say that I've been pretty numb emotionally, but sometimes when you suffer with depression that numbness can be a good thing.
Recently I decided that feeling numb, that feeling just okay, wasn't good enough, and I dared to hope for something more.
If you've been following my blog, you'll know that I believed I could experience more than an okay life with numbed emotions. I thought I could experience a life free from some of the side effects of Paxil, such as weight gain. So three weeks ago I went to my doctor and choose to switch up my antidepressants.
It started off okay. I had fairly extreme withdrawal symptoms, but mentally I felt good. I kept telling myself that soon the physical withdrawal symptoms would get better, and that I would start feeling better than I had in a while.
When my Paxil dose was low enough (5mg a day), I started Wellbutrin and experienced a whole new set of side effects. Then things got worse emotionally.
This past weekend I've been very emotional and even experienced some suicidal thought. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal, but I'm starting to go downhill. I can see it and it scares me. Nothing scares me more than the depths of depression.
Last night I cried myself to sleep. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin thanks to the side effects from the new medication. I wondered why feeling okay before wasn't good enough. I would certainly trade what I'm feeling right now to feel just okay.
But I decided that okay wasn't good enough. I let myself hope for something better, for something that may or may not exist.
Now, even though it's very difficult, I need to follow the path I have chosen. I need to get stabilized on this new medication and be willing to make changes if it doesn't work.
To be honest, this is hard work. Not that I've started, I honestly wish that I didn't dream for a better tomorrow. I now wish that okay had been good enough.
But if okay is all we can hope for, what is the point?
Oh man Jamie, that post speaks to so much more than 'just' depression. Is "just okay" enough in a marriage? In a career? Am I wrong to want more from every spectrum of my life than "just okay"? I've been struggling with that one for a long time and so far it's just making me more and more miserable...especially since I seem to be the only one who has a problem with "okay". - Andie
ReplyDeleteBut Jamie,
ReplyDeleteyou don't know unless you try...there is NOTHING wrong with 'okay' I know that sometimes okay is good but how will you know if there isn't something better if you don't take a risk and put yourself through some of those crappy side affects in order to see?
I'm not throwing you under the bus by suggesting you feel miserable but there are so many meds; different kinds out there that to sell yourwelf short and just 'settle' doesn't seem fair to you and your quality of life. I experienced the same thing; can't remember how many various meds I tried to no avail and was frustrated! However, I wasn't willing to slough it off and be content with 'okay' because I felt I owed myself more and a higher quality of life.
AFter so much experimentation, I did find the 'perfect' med. and am very glad I put myself through that process....hang in there girl!
Uh, from my experience, when suicidal thoughts come out of nowhere after a antidepressant change, I go right to my doctor. Twice, now, I've had suicidal thoughts and obsessions that have been a clear onset due to a change or increase in an antidepressant. It is probably one of the more dangerous side effects. I would recommend talking to your doctor.
ReplyDeleteI will be worth it when it levels out and you feel like life is worth living
ReplyDeleteAndie - I'm not surprised we're on the same page :-)
ReplyDeleteTracy - thanks, I guess hanging in there is all I can do right now. Wish it was easier!
Kelly - I have an appointment for next week. I'm beginning to feel like I live there!
Ambyland - thanks, I'm trying to be optimistic about that time!
Jamie, I totally feel you on the whole change in medication thing. That is really tough on the body and mind. But just work with your doctor and keep shooting for better. Better is possible and I know you will achieve it. You'll be in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteHey! I too have been battling depression for years and it's so nice to see that others are not afraid to talk about their experiences with this disease. If you have time you should check out my blog, How to be a Kick-Ass Superlady in 1037 Easy Steps at kickasssuperlady.blogspot.com. I'm trying to do this take a step everyday to happiness thing. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Madelyn. I appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteHannah, I'll have to check that out.
I ask myself all the time "is this as good as it gets" and for the most part I have accepted that it is. I applaud your courage. I have lately been thinking about going back to therapy and trying new meds but I am too scared to try both. Now that you have started I agree that you should hang in there. I am thinking about you and rooting for you.
ReplyDeleteCould it mean that we are a bit better when "numb" does not cut it anymore? I could not and was not willing to stay "numb". I realized I was in trouble when on Christmas Eve, my frined and her husband (and his sister) were killed in a car accident, leaving an 8 month old baby nad I felt nothing. I love my husband but I feel not much else. I can not figure out how to balance paxil for depression and the vague numbness it creates. I am trying 10mg of paxil every other day. I am not sure how the depression feels about it, but I can feel a tiny bit. But I am scared of the darkness Mack truck feeling coming back. - Jocelyn
ReplyDeleteJojesek - "is this as good as it gets" is exactly how I feel sometimes! I want it to be better, I want it to be great! I think I deserve more - we all deserve more.
ReplyDeleteJocelyn - I hate that numbness too. It's terrible when you can't actually feel anything. The darkness of depression scares me so much and you're right, it can sneak up and hit you like a Mack Truck from behind. I hate that it's right there with us all the time.
Jamie-
ReplyDeleteI think it is a good thing that our doctors are willing and desire to see us on a frequent basis until we are at a point where our meds are working for us and not causing us more trouble. With that being said, I know the feeling. I have been seeing her almost bi-monthly for a while now and, well, it would be nice to not have to go so often. :)
Kelly - I know, it is a good thing. But honestly, I think I see my doctor more for depression that I saw my maternity doctor when I was pregnant with both kids! Oh, well, once I'm all settled I'll go back to every three months (hopefully!).
ReplyDeleteI think this would have to be one of the ultimate dilemmas in treatment. It's certainly not an easy call. I really hope it works out for you. I'm still trying to stabilise, but I hope that I will eventually be able to try and do the same.
ReplyDeleteBec - Very true. I hope it works out for me too :) Today feels like a better day.
ReplyDeleteJamie,
ReplyDeleteI am the father of twin girls. One of them was always very fussy. She would cry when we picked her up and when we put her in the car seat. She would get spasms where she couldn't move her head and she would freak out and scream. I called the doctor and he said I needed to support her head more. So I did what he told me. It would happen again, and he said their was nothing that could cause a stiff neck except torticulus or meningitis, "support her neck more." So I did as he told me. At 6 months old, and repeated episodes, and a misshapen head, I called again. He said medically, the only thing he could do is give her muscle relaxers. I got online and started doing research. I took her in to a chiropractor and he told me her neck was severely out of place. He popped it in and that night I had a different child.
I don't think wanting better is wanting too much. All too often we think, "This is all I can do." I finally realized that the doctors only know how to prescribe medicine to manage my "symptoms." They were doing nothing about the "cause." The cause of my anxiety and depression was 2 fold. Sociological and Biological. They work hand and hand. I kept looking for answers and wasn't willing to accept the status quo.
When conventional treatment such as psychologists and psychiatrist and meds weren't working after years and years I decided to try something different. Mentally, I understood what I should feel but I didn't. I knew it wasn't rational to feel this way but I did. That is when I tried hypnotherapy. I was skeptical but desperate. It was the best thing I have ever done. After only 6 sessions, I had made such amazing strides. However my body was still reacting with some anxiety. That is when I came to realize what is actually causing my anxiety physically. It wasn't my brain, it was my adrenal gland. I write about this on my website. I started doing research and found some amazing info.
I started taking Ahswagandha, Magnesium (800mg per day), and GABA. I started feeling better every day. I began taking Vitamin B complex as well. Ashwagandha has had amazing results for me which has prompted others I know to try it and have had similar results. Magnesium is so very important and deficiency is often the cause and result of anxiety which starts a vicious cycle. I am off meds all together now and I have never felt this good. My anxiety, depression, PTSD, and OCD which had plagued me most of my life, are pretty much gone. My chronic fatigue, migraines, and IBS have all subsided as well.
Hormones (adrenaline, cortisol, androgen, estrogen, thyroid, etc) have much to do with our mental state and effect our mood. What happens in our brains is a result of hormones. I now look at it as hormonal illness rather than mental illness.
These exact things may not work for everyone, but would encourage everyone to keep trying different things until you find what works for you. I believe that for some, medications is an absolute necessity. But for many, I think it can be cured by fixing the mental "reality" on a subconscious level and giving the body what the anxiety and depression have robbed it of. I believe an integrated approach is the key. Heal the mind, heal the body, heal the spirit. Good luck.
Thanks, Troy. I find your blog very interesting and full of lots of great information. I've visited it quite a few time!
ReplyDeleteI've heard a lot about hormones before and what you say make sense. I'll have to look into it more.