Usually when something goes wrong at work, or at home, or anywhere, I immediately think it's my fault. For example, if my boss calls me into her office, I usually think, "what did I do wrong?" I then have a bit of a panic attack and walk down to her office fighting for breath through the tightness in my chest.
My therapist and I have been discussing this "everything is my fault" state of mind and trying to get beyond it. I'm trying to realize that I shouldn't blame myself for everything, that it's not healthy to live like that.
As I've titled this post, I'm making progress in this area. Last week I was sitting at my desk when my boss called me into her office. I grabbed pen and paper and walked to her office. For whatever reason, I didn't have an anxiety attack. I didn't even think "what did I do wrong?" or worry that something was amiss. I felt calm and unconcerned. As it turned out, there wasn't any reason for me to be concerned, as per usual.
It wasn't until the next day that I realized the progress I had made! When it dawned on me that I broke past this typical pattern I was so excited! I spent the whole day thinking, "I didn't blame myself!"
I don't even know why I didn't automatically blame myself. It was a step in the right direction although I'm not totally sure how I got there.
I guess talking about myself and my childhood for an hour each week has been helping.
Hi, I am also dealing with depression and enjoy reading your blog about how you are fighting it. I identify a lot with what you go through. I know what you mean about blaming yourself for everything, I do that too. I'm glad you're making progress against that mindset :)
ReplyDeleteYAY! Are you doing cognitive therapy? I am working on staying motivated and not viewing criticism as a rejection.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful step and to have just done it without having to consciously tell yourself. Progress indeed congrats!
ReplyDeleteI am bad about that too. Or if I am somewhere and a couple starts laughing or whispering, sometimes I assume it is about me. I don't feel like this everytime, but sometimes.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your progress. I know it has to be wonderful feeling!
One step at time. You can do it. Your progress will show in yourself first, then to others. Its about how you feel. Keep strong. You will succeed.
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting and I feel less alone after reading your blog. Hope I can make it like you do!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your progress! Many of my therapy and coaching clients find mindfulness practice useful in changing their thoughts. Check out the book The Mindful Way Through Depression. It's outstanding, and you may find it useful! Hang in there! It gets better.
ReplyDeleteI know what it's like to be depressed... not wanting to face reality - because for a thousand reasons if I 'really look at what IS' I'd be freaked out... anxious, angry, fearful, immobilized... That's been the case several times in my life... About 2 years ago I faced just what I described... I thought to myself - OK - if we attract what we focus on - then I MUST see different 'things' and I must 'look for different things' - and that way I can escape and I don't have to LOOK at my dreadful reality... I created a tool for myself... 2 years later, and with the help of some very clever software developers the 'tool' has been revolutionized, analyzed, and made 'quick & simple & easy' for others to USE... the beta-testing has produced astounding results... If you would like to know much more about it: check out - http://iamgr8ful.com/visionandheart.html OR http://www.iamgr8ful.com/enriching_visions_promo.php
ReplyDeleteProgress is good! Congratulations...
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled across your blog. Huge well done for going into the meeting calm! I know exactly what it's like, and it's so satisfying when you feel that you have achieved some major progress like this. Keep it up. I look forward to reading more of your posts.
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog this morning and I too am coping with depression. It's nice to read blog where someone made progress and is turning their negative into a positive.
ReplyDeleteI have just started to write my own blog... as its the only release that I have at the moment and it is proving to be quite theraputic already (although I am saying this on a goood day).
ReplyDeleteI suffer massively from feeling that I am in the wrong even when I know that I am not i still cant get past that feeling! So it is good to know that there is light at the end of this tunnel and hopefully one day I can write about the same progression.
I wish you all the best and hope you make alot more progress!!
Victory! I can relate to your post about anxiety attacks when your boss buzzes you so well it's frightening. That is nearly a daily experience for me as well. Congratulations on the progress!
ReplyDeletea wonderful step and to have just done it without having to consciously tell yourself. Progress indeed congrats!
ReplyDeleteIt feels good to know that I am not alone in this fight. I need to visit more often:)
ReplyDeleteGosh I love your blog. It's so nice to know that I'm not alone. I don't think I blame myself for everything necessarily, but poor self esteem does lead me to think I must be in trouble if the boss wants to speak to me. I've found my blog to be quite therapeutic as well, though I'm thinking about starting a second blog under a pen name to delve more deeply into my personal struggles. There's only so much I'm willing to reveal publicly, you know?
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your experience with us.I know what we feel when we blame ourself at time of depression.really enjoying a lot when read your blog.Keep updates and share with us.
ReplyDeleteI love your blog. I blame myself for a lot of different things, but I'm slowly learning to resist the urge to find fault in myself. I wouldn't question why you made such a positive step - the important thing is that you did, and perhaps it's all the more significant for being unconscious.
ReplyDeleteI'll be reading more. In reply to Felicia Stevenson (sorry for just jumping in, but I couldn't help reading your comment!), I found it much, much easier to open up under a pen name.
I adore on how you've been able to control your anxiety attacks. Your doctor's right, blaming yourself wouldn't help you at all. Most of the time, acceptance is the key to inner healing.
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