On Sunday, I ran the Royal Victoria Half Marathon in 2 hours, 15 minutes and 23 seconds!

To be perfectly honest, I think I hated almost every minute of the race. I pushed myself to run as fast as I could as long as I could and wanted to die before I crossed the finish line. I wanted to give up, I wanted to cry, I wanted to just go home, but I kept running.

When I crossed the finish line, I felt dazed and confused. I grabbed my finisher medal and walked past all the food, thinking I would vomit if I stopped to eat anything. I felt shaky and after a few minutes, I decided to go back for some food. After taking a few tentative bites, I realized that the food was agreeing with me and helping to put an end to the shakes.

I met up with my excited family (my kids were cheering for me and were so proud) and together we walked back to the hotel. I just wanted to get back and shower. I tried my hardest and didn't quit no matter how hard it was or terrible I felt.

Oddly enough, I want to train and do another one. I want to do it without feeling as terrible. I want to do it in a better time. I want to own it instead of it owning me. Does that make sense?

So I'm searching for the next half marathon to run, getting psyched up for the next training session and hoping to lose 20 pounds before I race again.

I'm proud of myself for that perserverance. I'm proud for finishing something I started. I'm proud that no matter how dificult it was, I was strong enough to overcome it.

Running for my Life

Daniele Seiss, a staff writer with the Washington Post, recently wrote an excellent article about how running saved her life from depression. The article really resonated with me and I wanted to share it with you.

I too have found that running has saved my life. When I feel anxious, stressed, or crippled with depression, a run can change that for me.

On Oct. 11, I'm going to run my first ever half marathon. Although I'm very excited for the event, just like Daniele, I realize that the life changing part has been the training. The regular runs have re-shaped my life.

During my runs, I feel strong, athletic, able to conquer any problem. It's actually strange to think that running can change my attitude from generally negative and pessimistic to positive and optimistic, but that's exactly what happens during my runs.

Check out Daniele's article, Running for my Life. It's a great read.

Change is in the air

Last night as I ran with my running group, I was lost in my own thoughts, and not all of them were good. The crisp cool air reminded me that summer is coming to a close and fall is almost here. As I ran, every fibre in my being rejected the chill and the change it signified.

The thought the weighed heaviest on my mind was my best friends’ impending move. At the end of next month, she’s going to move to a city that’s about 4 hours away. Although she’s not moving to the other end of the world, it kind-of feels that way. Both of her children are best friends with my kids and they attend school together. We also usually plan their recreational activities together too. Not only does this give us lots of time to hang out, but it also helps with carpooling or just getting last minute emergency help with pickups or drop offs.

Although her move hasn’t been 100 per cent confirmed, my depressive nature focuses on the worst possible outcome and how much I would miss her. I know that there’s lots of positives about her moving, like having a place to go visit, planning family vacations together and having pen pals for the girls, but I don’t care! I want her live here, just a few blocks away from me.

Then as I got thinking about how sorry I felt for myself, I let all the other changes in life start to bother me. My oldest is starting kindergarten in a few weeks and that’s another change that I’m not sure I’m ready for. I know she will continue to grow up every year, but it’s going so fast! Then my baby is starting preschool, which again, seems too soon.

All this change seems to be piling up on me! I just want it to stay summer forever. To keep my friend here and my babies at home with me, while everything stays the same.

Then my run leader said something that helped. Although I probably didn't show her that it did at the time...

“Without change, we wouldn’t have butterflies,” she said.

Butterflies are beautiful and a great symbol of change. So, no matter how difficult the change is, I’m going to have to roll with it. I’m going to help my daughter’s become butterflies and have faith that good will come out of my best friends’ move.

Or at least I’ll keep up that positive self talk until I convince myself it’s true.

Expressing yourself through dance

I love watching "So You Think You Can Dance" and wish that I could express myself through dance the way they do on the show. I even went so far as to take a hip hop dance class last year, but alas, my inner dancer didn't emerge.

Here are a few performances that touched me.

Don't know why

I'm feeling so blue and so down lately. I would give anything to just sleep every day away, but that's never going to happen.

What's really frustrating is not knowing why. Why do I want to just cry? Why do I feel overwhelmed by nothing? Why does life seem so much more difficult for me than other people? Why have I had to resign myself to the fact that life will always be difficult and filled with the ups and downs of depression?

So here I am, fighting another bout of depression, feeling completely exhausted for no reason and holding back the tears that threaten to fall for absolutely no reason.

Just Breathe

Last night I was out at a running clinic doing hill training. As I sprinted up a long hill, with legs burning and lungs gasping for air, I straightened up and shifted my focus away from the pain. Instead I concentrated on just my breathing. I blocked out the pain and the negative thinking and just focused on breathing in and out as deeply as possible.

Then I did that six more times!

I realized that when you push away the negative and focus on what you have to do, you get it done!

Putting things in perspective

I recently found a very inspirational web site that I'd like to share with you. Check out Death is not Dying.